All the Love I wish I could give Him
by LylyWeasley
Summary: Cas has been tortured by April and now Ezekiel must heal him. But it comes with a price for Dean.


Sam walked back into the common area of the bunker. Dean could tell, however, that Ezekiel was riding shotgun.

"How is he?" Dean asked.

Ezekiel tilted his head, "He is critical, Dean Winchester. His injuries are... extensive."

"But you can heal him, can't you?" he asked the angel, "Zeke, you can't let him die."

Ezekiel walked up to Dean, "I can, indeed, heal Castiel. However, I will have to make him forget being hurt. He will have to leave here."

Dean furrowed his brow, "Is this because of Sam?"  
He nodded, "If Castiel knows, Sam could figure out I'm here. He must forget. And I must heal him soon."

Dean put a hand to his forehead, "Can I talk to him?"

"Dean Winchester, I must heal him quickly if-"

"Dammit Zeke! Can I talk to Cas?" Dean yelled.

Ezekiel's, or rather Sam's, face did not betray any emotion or surprise. It was strange to see Sam so removed. Finally, he said, "Yes, Dean Winchester, you may speak to Castiel. Just be quick."

Without another word, Dean walked to his bedroom. When he opened the door, he saw Cas, bloody, on his bed. Dean went over to him and kneeled by the side of the bed. Cas looked up at him and smiled feebly.

"Dean..." he whispered, "You saved me."

Tears stung as they began to collect in Dean's eyes. He put a hand on Cas' forehead and brushed the hair away from his face, "Yeah, buddy. I just wish I'd saved you a little better."

Cas chuckled, then coughed, and a trickle of blood dripped out of the corner of his mouth as he spoke, "This isn't your doing. You don't need to bear the guilt for my death."

"Cas," Dean said, his voice breaking, "You're not gonna die. I swear."

"I'm glad you're here," Cas continued, "That yours is the voice I'll hear last."

"Stop," Dean replied. It was getting harder to keep the tears back, "I need to tell you something." He put his other hand on Cas' cheek, "You are going to be fine. But, we may be apart for a little while. So, I want to let you know..." he stopped. He could feel a lump forming in his throat.

"You don't have to say anything," Cas said weakly.

"Dammit Cas, I gotta get this out," he said gruffly. He took a deep breath, "I don't want us to be apart without you knowing... I love you. I love you with everything that I am."

Cas smiled, "I love you too, Dean."

Unable to bear it any longer, Dean pressed his lips tenderly to Cas'. The tears he had tried desperately to hold back, burst forth. He could feel them spilling over his and Cas' cheeks, mixing with their kiss. Dean furrowed his brow, trying to put everything he ever wanted to tell Cas into the kiss. How he had wanted him since the moment they met. How every time they touched, Dean never wanted it to end. How lost he got in Cas' eyes. How he never wanted this to end.

But it had to.

When they finally broke apart, Cas' breathing was shallow and Dean knew it was time. He brushed the hair back from Cas' forehead once more, "I'll be back. I- I love you." With that, he stood up and walked back to the common area.

Ezekiel was waiting for him, still standing in the exact same spot as before.

"Do it," Dean said, clenching his jaw and hating himself.

"What would you like him to remember?" Ezekiel asked.

Dean swallowed, already regretting what he was about to say, "Have him remember the girl. But, instead of torture, have him remember loving her. Have him remember losing his virginity to her. The best sex a man can have," Dean's stomach was tied in knots as he finished speaking. He wanted to add, _All the love I wish I could give him_, but he didn't.

"Yes, Dean Winchester," Ezekiel said, walking past him towards the bedroom.

Dean sat down at the large table. He knew that, when Sam came back, it would really be Sam and he wouldn't remember anything. The next ten minutes seemed to last a lifetime. As much as he wanted to cry, Dean didn't have any more tears left.

Finally, sounds came from behind him and he turned to see Sam walking towards him. He sat down across from Dean and took in the look on his face.

"You ok, man?" Sam asked, "You look awful."

"I'm fine," Dean answered curtly.

"Really?" Sam asked, unconvinced. A moment of silence passed between them. "Come on, Dean, tell me what you're feeling."

"That's just it," Dean said, looking Sam straight in the eyes, "I can't feel a damn thing."


End file.
